I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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