My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
pop tarts are not kleenex
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
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