I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I think a kid would responsible me up
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
