he puts the penis in happiness.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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