So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
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