he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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