so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
