just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
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