im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Drunk is a universal language darling
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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