no, he came in my armpit
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
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