I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I met the friendliest cop last night
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Randomize