Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Randomize
