I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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