ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
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