Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
