the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Randomize