I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
