I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
