I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Randomize
