I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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