my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
