the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
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