We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
