I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
Randomize
