i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
