Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
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