Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Randomize
