I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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