I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
people are starting to question the shark bite story
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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