Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Randomize
