I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
what day is it and did you see me today?
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
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