My sheets look like a crime scene.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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