we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
