Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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