Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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