anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Randomize
