If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Randomize
