My liver just broke up with me...
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
It's not just going to appear. A lot of blood, sweat, tears, and leg work went into finding a cock that amazing!
Randomize
