Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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