Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize
