Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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