I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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