is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Randomize
