I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
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