I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
When / where did the additional couches appear?
Additional?
James brought one with him when he showed up. Theres still 2 outside and according to facebook, at least one more burned up.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Randomize
