My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Randomize
