In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
