No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
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