so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
