dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Randomize
