i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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