Whatcha textin bout Willis?
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
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