Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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