Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
i've created a new STD.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
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