Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
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