I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize