I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
