this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
